


flickering

by bluecarrot



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Chronic Illness, Depression, Gen, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-06
Updated: 2017-04-06
Packaged: 2018-10-15 20:19:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10557110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluecarrot/pseuds/bluecarrot
Summary: Mads is sad; Jeffs is asleep.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pensiveVisionary (hamburr)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hamburr/gifts), [alexanger](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexanger/gifts).



> written 7 April 2017.  
> for my "internet friends", who talk me down.

This is how it happens: You wake with the darkness in your mouth and over your face and there in both your empty hands is darkness, you cannot let it go or pick up anything to replace it.

 

"Thom?"

It's a different time zone there and maybe he won't pick up, maybe he's not there. Has he ever been there? Are you sure of anything you've said to him?

His voice is gone.

 

"Jimmy?" he says, sleep-riddled.

Your voice chokes on _Hello_ and _Help_ and _Please_.

Pause. Breathe through it. "You're there."

"I'm here." Still asleep, though. He's shifting around in bed, you hear his sigh and before you can finish thinking that he hates you he's saying again "Here. I'm here. You wanna talk?"

 

"You're not awake."

"That's not an answer."

 

"I just wanted to say hello." Liar liar.

He sighs again but now it matters less. The phone is closer to real. Closer to solid. If you could close your eyes you could see him, maybe.

If you close your eyes you'll fall apart. He won't want to put you back together. Nobody wants to do it anymore. The pieces never fit right anyway.

"I'll be there in ten minutes," he says.

"Ten minutes and four thousand miles."

"No big. I got this. Jim?"

 

You're here. Flickering. "Yeah."

"Nothing," he says. "Just making sure."

**Author's Note:**

> James = Jim, named here for my favorite uncle: he is dying slowly and in pain and begging for the end of it.  
> *  
> i am _very tired_ of people saying to me that i'm too young to know what it's like to be sick.
> 
> tumblr = @littledeconstruction


End file.
